Trainwreck on Kamabakka
by Tyigra
Summary: If “Suzy” can make it through the day without giving in, Sanji wins. If Zoro can make Sanji fess up rather then endure further embarrassment, Zoro wins. Or so they thought… ZoroxSanji Pre-Slash. Complete!
1. Clickity Clack, Clickity Clack

Summary: If "Suzy" can make it through the day without giving in, Sanji wins. If Zoro can make Sanji fess up rather then endure further embarrassment, Zoro wins. Or so they thought…

Standard Disclamer: One Piece belongs to the ever-creative Eiichiro Oda.

Third-person subjective. ZoroxSanji

I started writing this before the anime episode, so let's ignore the part about the island being entirely pink (shudder) and that everything on the island has a maidenly heart. This story will be 8 chapters long.

* * *

Trainwreck on Kamabakka

A One Piece Fanfiction by Tyigra

Chapter 1: Clickity Clack, Clickity Clack

Sanji woke up groggily, wiping the sleep from his eyes, and began to get dressed. A skirt and blouse sounded good for today, he decided, and chose a fashionable pair of high-heeled boots to match. He'd lost track of how many weeks he'd been stuck here on the stupid crossdresser island, but it had been long enough that he'd decided, "if I _have_ to dress like a woman, I'm at least going to do a good job of it." He'd always had a sharp eye for fashionable suits and shoes, and an appreciative eye for female beauty, so it had been surprisingly easy to make the transition. He'd initially been furious after he'd been captured, and let them give him hair extensions that didn't match and ludicrously heavy makeup (like the rest of them, in other words.) As it became more and more evident that there was no hope of salvaging his manly pride, he began chasing away his dressing room "helpers" and doing the job himself.

Which was how he found himself staring into a mirror with a rather attractive woman staring out of it back at him. The hair that reached down to the middle of his back was straight and matched his own hair color perfectly. One eye was still veiled by his bangs, but the other peeked out under long lashes, and the lips that framed his morning cigarette were only painted a mild shade of pink. The stubble was missing from his chin, and the boots were tall enough to hide his hairy legs (which he still refused to shave.) His blouse exposed his collarbone and modestly teased his nonexistent cleavage (he also refused to wear lingerie.) Combined with his long, lean frame, Sanji thought he was at least passable as a tall, flat-chested woman. Better than most of the people on the damn island, anyway.

Feeling much more awake, he left the room that had been given to him and made his way to kitchen. Once his cooking skills had been discovered, he'd quickly been put in charge of preparing food for the little inn/diner that served as the daytime hub of activity on the island. He spent his days listening to the inane chatter of the residents as they gossiped and did each other's hair (or whatever,) in the hopes of catching a bit of news from the travelers that passed through. If he could barter passage on a ship heading in the right direction he had every intension of getting the hell of there, but so far all travelers were either heading the wrong way, or were marines, or would only take him in exchange for…certain favors. Like hell! Even if he could beat the crap out of the whole crew, that would leave no one to run the ship. And he did _not_ appreciate being stared at like he was a _woman._

Sanji briefly wondered if that was why he could never get a girl for himself.

Nah.

Breakfast was in full swing now, and he was dishing out the orders as fast as they came in only because he was just that awesome. The hot topic of the morning seemed to be a ship that had docked during the night. Rumors were flying that one of the crew was a "gorgeous hunk of meat" and that it was a shame the travelers weren't planning on staying for any longer than it took for the log pose to set. For the thousandth time, Sanji wished he hadn't crashed on the island without a coin or a plank of wood to his name. If he'd come here on a boat he never would have had to participate in the local customs.

Suzy, one of the more hideous okamas came bursting in through the front door, his hideously caked makeup cracking under the force of his simpering grin. "He's coming, he's coming! He's even sexier than advertised!" He rushed over to his gaggle of "girl" friends and took a seat as they all broke out into eager giggles. Sanji rolled his eyes and wished breakfast was over. He could really use another cigarette, but there was no way he was smoking in a kitchen. With a sigh, he carried a plate of the usual over to Suzy and refilled the other patrons drinks. They paused in their insipid chatter long enough to thank him, then resumed. Sanji turned to head back to the kitchen when a phrase amid the gossip drifted up to his ears and froze him in place.

"…green hair…"

Surely it couldn't be…but hope soared in his chest. Had he finally found his nakama? The terror of that last battle, the confusion of his flight, the loneliness without his friends…was it over at last?

At the sound of the doors opening again he spun around, eyes wide. Standing in the entryway was silhouetted a familiar pair of broad shoulders, sporting three swords on one hip and three dangling earrings from one ear. The doors closed as the figure stepped in, revealing mossy green hair and sharp eyes that quickly took in the layout of the room and everyone in it.

Sanji's heart leaped for joy. He'd never been so happy to see that marimo-head in his life!

Two seconds later, his heart plummeted and his face turned pale. _Oh crap, please don't let him recognize me like this!_

* * *

Zoro briefly scanned the room, confirming that it was full of yet more of the creepy cross dressers. If that much makeup looked ugly on a woman, what made the men think it would look any more attractive on them?

One thing caught his attention though. The waitress in the middle of the room had stared at him with delighted recognition, then suddenly horror. Also, the waitress was definitely Sanji.

Delight at finding one of his nakama well hidden behind his poker face, he examined the sight in front of him. Familiar curly eyebrow? Check. Confident bearing and strong, balanced posture? Check. Skirt, makeup and long hair? That was… new.

But he pulled it off well.

Poor guy. Sanji was never going to live this down. Zoro would make sure of that.

* * *

Most of this story is already written, actually, so expect updates to come quickly. That said, I still appreciate and value your input, so don't be shy. Think of it as a game. You click on the nice shiny "Review" button, and the author gets a prize! :P


	2. The Speeding Train Goes Down the Track

Standard Disclaimer: One Piece belongs to the ever-creative Eiichiro Oda.

Here we go, round 2! Thanks, everyone who reviewed! (And pointed out errors!)

* * *

Trainwreck on Kamabakka

Chapter 2: The Speeding Train Goes Down the Track

As Sanji skittered back behind the counter, Zoro sidled up to a stool and took a seat, flashing him what was probably supposed to be a charming smile. Sanji tried to return it casually, panic still streaming through his mind. _He knows, doesn't he? How couldn't he know? He's gotta know, right? Crap crap crap crap!_

He was about to open his mouth when Zoro beat him to it. "I was starting to wonder if there _were_ any real girls on this island. I'm Zoro."

Sanji stared at him blankly. _He's joking, isn't he? There's no way he didn't recognize me. He's just using this opportunity to call me a woman. I should kick his ass!_

Zoro continued to smile pleasantly at him. "Could I have your name?" he asked before the silence could stretch too long.

"Sa…Suzy," he stuttered, his voice high more from surprise then any intentional masking. _WHAT? Why did you have to pick THAT name? Now you're going to picture that ugly mug for the rest of your life whenever he teases you about this! Why did you even play along? Quit giving him more ammunition!_

_But what if he really doesn't know? This _is_ Zoro, after all, he spends all his time exercising every muscle except the one in his head._

Zoro laid down a few coins and requested something off the menu, which sent Sanji's feet mechanically into the kitchen. He cooked on autopilot while his mind raced.

If Zoro recognized him, he was already doomed to a future of teasing. Why he would pretend not to, he wasn't sure. Most likely to wring out every last drop of humiliation he could before getting his ass kicked. Or maybe…he was pretending he didn't recognize him to preserve Sanji's pride?

Hahahahahaha-no.

Anyway, if Zoro really _didn't_ recognize him, then he was saved! He could privately gloat over the marimo's stupidity, ditch him, get changed, and run in to him later. He'd finally have a way off this island, and together they'd be that much closer to getting the whole crew back together.

So the real question was: should he end this foolery now, facing guaranteed humiliation, or play along, risking even further humiliation for the chance of no humiliation at all?

Well. Let it never be said that Sanji couldn't take a gamble.

* * *

When Sanji returned with several plates piled high with steaming food, the color had returned to his face, so Zoro knew he had worked through his shock. With a word of thanks he tucked in, relishing the cooking he hadn't had in weeks. A smile crept onto his face as he realized that Sanji had made the meal exactly how he liked it, even though he hadn't been that specific when he placed the order. Damn, he'd missed having food this good.

Plate after plate he emptied, and plate after plate was brought out to him without needing to be asked. _You're doing a poor job of pretending to be someone who doesn't know me_, he thought as his amusement rose higher and higher. Finally satisfied, he drained the last of his beer (which had also been brought to him without asking, even though it was breakfast.)

"That was possibly some of the best food I've ever had," he informed "Suzy" as the last plates were collected. Sanji stared at him in surprise, which was understandable since Zoro had never complimented his food before. "Only 'possibly?'" he inquired, completely forgetting to pitch his voice higher and not even noticing.

Zoro considered what would amuse him more: giving the compliment to Suzy to tick off Sanji, or being able to finally compliment the chef to his face without _actually_ complimenting the chef to his face. What the hell, he was feeling generous.

"Sorry, but _nobody _can top the aho-cook of the Strawhat Pirates, so don't feel bad," he said with a grin. Sanji's eyes widened in shock and his ears turned red. Zoro's brain filed the picture away for posterity, and he found himself feeling absurdly pleased. Who knew the cook blushed at compliments?

Sanji darted away with the dirty dishes without a reply, probably to regain his composure again. This was entirely too fun! The swordsman found himself wondering how else he could embarrass the cook while he was still stubbornly deluding himself that Zoro didn't know who he was. It occurred to him suddenly that once Sanji managed to slip away he would change back into his proper attire and try to pretend this never happened. Well, he'd better do something to head that off, he wasn't done tormenting him yet.

* * *

_Would Zoro really say something like that if he knew it was me? Surely not…_The infuriating swordsman had never said one _peep_ either way about his cooking. His silence was just further fuel for their constant bickering. In fact, so certain was Sanji that Zoro would never even utter an appreciative _murmur_ that his bold declaration that he was the best, no holds barred, caused a rush of adrenaline to burst through his body. The dishes clattered in the sink, his hands still shaking from his racing pulse and burning skin. _Damn that Zoro! If he's just messing with me I'm going to turn him into dinner's main course!_ Crap, he still didn't even know if Zoro was an idiot or merely playing along. He was certain he couldn't take much more of this, though. That's it, he was getting out of here! He'd be able to hitch a ride with Zoro anyway, there was no need to continue playing house with those okamas!

Feeling much relieved, Sanji tore off his apron and darted for the side door that led back into the inn's hallway. The suit he had arrived in was still safely tucked away in the wardrobe, he merely had to ditch the long hair and scrub his face clean. Once he was safely un-feminized, he could take a leisurely shower to make sure there was no lingering evidence, dress, and find Zoro again so he could casually "discover" him. If Zoro didn't know, all would be well, and even if he did know Sanji could still deny it and he'd be forced to drop it eventually.

Unless, of course, Zoro was waiting for him in the hallway.

Crap!

* * *

More coming soon! If you like what you've read so far, or if you hate it, let me know! If you're indifferent, I guess you're not going to let me know either way, though, are you? ;)


	3. The Puffing Engine Gives a Sigh

Trainwreck on Kamabakka

Chapter 3: The Puffing Engine Gives a Sigh

Zoro ignored the giggling of the okamas as they peeked around the corner from the dining area. He could have easily figured out on his own where Sanji would try to duck out from, but it was important that they witnessed what he planned next, or the cook would just weasel out of it. As it was, Sanji had frozen in mid-step a mere foot away from crashing into him, a look of dismay on his face.

"Is your shift over already? That's great; I'm alone and was hoping perhaps you'd show me around the island…" He trailed off in a questioning note, an innocent expression plastered across his face. As he'd hoped, a chorus of squeals erupted from the corner and the "girls" rushed in to surround Sanji.

"Oh, of course she will!" they gushed, more to command him than to reassure Zoro. Sanji gave them a glare that could have dissolved metal, but they shrugged it off like it was nothing. Understandable, Zoro thought, considering how they had managed to get him dressed like that in the first place. "Oh, aren't you lucky?" they stage whispered as they almost dragged him between tables towards the door, Zoro following right behind.

"W-wait, I'm not done cleaning up breakfast, and then I'll need to prepare for lunch—"

"Oh nonsense, you've been spoiling us ever since you got here! Go on and have some fun, you deserve it!"

"I'm sure this handsome gentleman knows how to show a lady a good time!" said another, flashing a teasing glance Zoro's way. He grinned back amiably. "Absolutely. She's in good hands with me."

* * *

_You rotten liar, you've never dated a woman in your life_, Sanji fumed as he was deposited on the doorstep. Zoro stepped up beside him and the okamas disappeared, no doubt rushing to the windows to peek on them less obtrusively. The hope in his mind that Zoro didn't know his identity was rapidly withering into nothing. In all the time that they'd traveled together, Zoro had never even looked twice at any of the women they encountered while docked, much less willingly sought one out. The only reason he could be doing this now was to torment him.

_Why did I think playing along was a good idea, again?_ Sanji wondered as he glared at his stylish boots. He should end this now, before he wasted the whole day hanging out with Zoro with a skirt on. On the other hand, fessing up now would mean that he had willingly pretended to be a woman for nothing.

"Anything you want to say?" Zoro asked. Sanji looked up at him and felt his blood boil when he saw that vicious grin twisting across the tanned face. _That bastard! He _wants_ me to admit it! As long as I don't say anything I can pretend this never happened, but if I say it out loud he has the right to flaunt this in my face until we're old and grey!_

Turning to his crewmate he crossed his arms and flashed him a challenging gaze. "Only that I don't think you have a chance of pleasing me," he said in falsetto, tossing his long hair. "You're not man enough!" Zoro's eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed angrily. _It's your move, "ladies man." If you can't cut it, I'm out of here!_

* * *

_Fine, we can play it that way if you want. I can heap the abuse on you _all day_ and never get tired, no worries there._ "You know the island better than I do. Show me around."

Sanji's nostrils flared and Zoro could have almost sworn that his eyes flashed red. "ExCUSE me?"

Right, right. If he acted like normal, Sanji would have the perfect excuse to stomp off in a girly huff. Since he was playing a woman, he'd expect to be treated like one by _his_ definition, which meant worshiping the ground "she" walked on.

Well that was right out.

With a longsuffering sigh, Zoro struggled to slip back into generous mood he'd been in earlier and at least _try_ to be charming. "I meant…I've only just arrived to this _delightful_ kingdom. I would love to see the sights."

Sanji pulled out a cigarette and lighter from his skirt pockets and lit up, obviously relishing the nicotine (_and probably needing it too, the addict._) After a moment's pause he exhaled a cloud of smoke into Zoro's face, and the swordsman was greatly irritated to realize how much he'd missed the smell. _I don't know what's worse, the thought that I might be getting addicted by his secondhand smoke, or the thought that his cigarette stench might possibly have become associated in my brain with home. _

Expertly grasping the cig (which now had a pink ring around it) between two long fingers, Sanji made an expansive gesture. "There they are." Zoro reeled his brain back in from thoughts of life on the Thousand Sunny to realize he was being dissed. _Get it together, man. You're supposed to be making him writhe in humiliation right now, not letting him show you up!_ Daring to take a page out of Sanji's book, Zoro grabbed the hand not holding a cigarette and held it between both of his, suffering only a brief disappointment that the cook wasn't wearing nail polish. _He handles food, what did you expect?_ "I was hoping you would show them to me," he replied as flirtatiously as he dared.

By the goosebumps that broke out on Sanji's arms and the slightly green cast his face took, Zoro knew he had turned the tables back in his favor.

* * *

_WrongwrongwrongwrongWrongWRONG!_ Sanji chanted in his brain, trying not to look sickened. _I'm going to need a lot of mind soap after this day is over, aren't I?_ At last he recovered enough to remove his hand without yanking it away and let out a nervous laugh. "Well, there's not much to do during the day, really, you have to wait until the bars open to have any fun." _Don't wipe your hand. Or at least, don't do until he's not looking._

"That's a shame, it's a long time until dark." Zoro pondered for a moment before his face lit up like he'd had a brilliant idea (_unlikely._) "I'm supposed to help restock the ship I'm traveling on, perhaps you could show me around the markets? You probably know the best sellers and all that."

_You, restocking a ship? Unless they're all out of _swords_ I can't imagine you'd be very useful. Plus you'd get ass-backwards lost!_ He gave a sniff before clapping his hands together with fake enthusiasm. "Sure, I just looooooove shopping!" _Gag. Wait, did I just contaminate my other hand?_

Before he could ponder that too far Zoro had placed an arm around his shoulder and was steering him in the wrong direction. "Great! Let's get started."

"It's that way."

"…Right. Lead the way, _Suzy-chan_."

Sanji felt he restrained himself admirably on the way to the market district. He even endured the arm around the shoulder bit, by imagining that Zoro was injured and needed help walking. Speaking of which…

"So what's a big strong pirate like you doing in a place like this?"

"I never said I was a pirate," he countered, looking smug. Sanji missed a step, then recovered smoothly. "You're one of those Strawhat pirates, aren't you? They were all over the papers a few weeks back. Supposedly they kicked a lot of ass but barely escaped with their lives." He gave Zoro a pointed glare.

"Oh, that. Psh, it'll take a lot more then that to keep me down. As you can see, I'm a specimen of perfect health." He flexed his free arm for good measure, showing off his rippling muscles. Sanji knew that he should probably make a comment on how strong he was and feel his bicep, but couldn't bring himself to sink that low. He looked away instead, and mumbled, "I hope your nakama weren't too worried about you." Zoro didn't say anything, but the arm around his shoulders did tighten, almost like a hug. Almost.

* * *

Well, what do you think? What's that? I can't hear you... Maybe if you speak a little louder? ...nope, still nothing.

Oh, silly me! You have to click a button before I can hear you! Isn't technology quaint? It think it's that button right there, right below this line. Says "Review this Story/Chapter." You should totally click on it. I dare you.


	4. As Steam Flies Up to Join the Sky

Trainwreck on Kamabakka

Chapter 4: As Steam Flies Up to Join the Sky

They arrived at the market, and Sanji moved skittishly out of his embrace. Zoro let him, and looked up and down the surprisingly short row of buildings and stalls. A modest crowd milled about, every single member either a man dressed as a woman, or a woman dressed as a man. He wasn't sure what disturbed him more, the ones who did horrible jobs or the ones that were shockingly convincing. No wonder Sanji hated it here; all the females had cast away their feminine beauty, and all the feminine beauties were really male.

"Oh, Cook-chan!" the merchants called out as they passed by. Zoro was disappointed they didn't call him by name and thus end the game, but amused when he realized that Sanji must have made a point not to give his real name out. He almost felt bad about tormenting the poor guy.

_Heh heh. Not really._

"So, what kind of supplies are we looking for?" Sanji asked, a few steps ahead of him. His long golden hair shimmered in the late morning sun, and Zoro found himself staring at the spot where he knew the fake hair must start, trying to see the difference. Sanji turned around when he didn't answer, though, so he pasted on an innocent expression.

"You know…food."

"Food. Are we talking hardtack here, or something a little more palatable?"

"Um…lets assume that an expert chef will b—is on board, and we'll need whatever they would want?"

Sanji gave him a deadpan stare, causing Zoro to sweat nervously. With a huff, he turned away, muttering something about ignorant savages and being entirely too nice. Zoro grinned and found himself thanking the gods of the ocean that his cook cared more about getting things done right then proving his own point. But just to play it safe, he'd keep the teasing to a minimum until Sanji had finished doing his work for him.

The cook moved quickly from shop to shop, stall to stall, haggling expertly for every purchase. For some sellers he breathed down their necks aggressively, bristling threats until they surrendered and knocked a few belis off the price; for others he smiled sweetly and peered demurely through his eyelashes until the cost reduced on its own. He looked particularly grumpy after the latter type, though. Flour and yeast, meat and salt, a wide variety of spices, barrels of water and beer and citrus fruits; one after the other the orders were placed to be delivered to the docks, where the ship's purse would pay the bill. Zoro had to admire his efficiency. By noon the shopping was already done, with a better variety and for a better price then he could have gotten on his own.

Sanji emerged from the last shop, emanating rays of irritation. Realizing he was doing a poor job of "showing the lady a good time," he tried to think of what he could do to correct that problem. "Um…is there anything you would like? For yourself, I mean." The cook gave him an unreadable look as he got out another cigarette.

"Lunch. Away from here. Go buy something suitable for a picnic." At Zoro's hesitation, he pointed to a food stall and the swordsman scrambled to comply.

* * *

They walked towards the beach, Sanji's mood still dark even as the crowd fell away and a cool breeze blew in off the ocean waves. Practically every merchant or fellow shopper he talked to wanted to know who his "handsome date" was, or how he had snagged him, or congratulated him on his catch, or had some dirty comment about "great his day was going to end." It wasn't fair! How come Zoro got to dress as he pleased and was admired for his manliness, but _he_ got hunted down and forced into drag? _I'm every bit manly as he is! I'm a strong fighter, and would protect any woman with my last breath. So what if I'm a fabulous cook and take pride in how I look and dress? What, just because I don't eat testosterone for breakfast or lift 500lb weights with one hand, that somehow makes me girly?_ He glared daggers at Zoro, who did his best to ignore it as they reached the end of a short, grassy cliff overlooking the sand and surf. He felt somewhat mollified as he watched the swordsman struggle comically to lay the large sheet he had purchased over the grass while the wind kept catching the corners and blowing it over. _Some manly man, can't even figure out a picnic blanket._

Finally Zoro used the basket and a few rocks he found to weigh down the corners and they sat. Sanji removed the wicker lid and examined the contents inside: bread, cheese, fruit, chocolate, a knife, two plates, two glasses and a bottle of wine. _Simple choices for a simple man, I suppose, but they seem romantic enough as a whole. I guess he passes._ He removed the knife and was about to slice the bread when Zoro stopped him with a hand on his wrist. "Allow me. This is your chance to sit back and relax." Sanji stared at him, nonplussed, as Zoro took over and neatly served up the food. _He's no cook, but he knows how to handle a blade, I'll give him that._

Puffy white clouds sailed dreamily by overhead as they ate, and the ocean waves ebbed and flowed over the sandy beach below. Sanji drained the last of his glass and lay back on the blanket, savoring a piece of chocolate on his tongue. This wasn't so bad, at the moment anyway. He thought about lighting up another cigarette, but the sun was warm and the salty breeze pleasant, and sleepiness was creeping up on him. If he closed his eyes he could almost believe that he was back on the Thousand Sunny, his friends all around him and relaxing away an uneventful day.

* * *

_Aho-cook_, Zoro thought with a smile twitching his lips as he watched Sanji's painted eyelids drift lazily closed. _As if a real girl would fall asleep beside a strange man she just met._ He watched his chest rise and fall as the rhythm of his breathing slowed and evened, and decided to take the opportunity to stare without being glared at. It was odd when he thought about it; both Sanji and Nami possessed some ugly expressions, and both spent entirely too much time on their looks. But while he didn't think Nami would make a very appealing man if she tried to dress up as one, Sanji was surprisingly pretty as a woman. Perhaps it was because he was so obsessed with them. But then again, most of the okamas he'd seen today were obsessed with womanly beauty (for themselves) as well, yet looked hideous. Perhaps it was because they overdid it? Zoro tried imagining Sanji with the kind of caked-on clown paint the others had worn, and found himself doubled over with stifled laughter. He would bet almost anything that those cross-dressers had painted him up like that at first until he rebelled. Which meant that he was doing the makeup himself now, didn't it? Zoro pictured the cook leaning in front of a mirror next to Nami and Robin, mouth slightly open, applying mascara to his lashes and pastels to his parted lips.

For some reason, Zoro didn't find that quite as funny as the first image. It probably had something to do with the fact that the real Sanji, sleeping like a baby in front of him, had parted his lips slightly in his sleep. The sun had just peeked out from behind a cloud, causing the elongated lashes to cast delicate shadows upon his skin, and the long golden hair to shimmer in the light. The combined effect was making Zoro feel distinctly uncomfortable. His plans for the day were to embarrass his crewmate, maybe get a little blackmail for holding over him when he was being particularly annoying, not to gain any kind of appreciation for his new look. Obviously he had been staring too long.

Arranging his swords more comfortably around him, Zoro rested his arms over his crossed legs and bowed his head, ears open to catch anyone's approach. It really was a gorgeous day for sleeping outdoors, and far be it for Zoro to miss out.

* * *

Chapter 2 has now been corrected. Who knew "complement" was not the same as "compliment?" I do now, that's who.

Props to those of you who noticed the chapter titles. Yes, they'll form a poem. Corny? Probably.

Guess what? I'm already working on the this story's sequel. But I need your help! What are some of the usual ways that fanfics get Zoro and Sanji together? You know... the clichés that you're tired of and/or loathe with a passion. You should tell me about them in your review, so I can purposely set them up and then completely dodge them. It'll be fun, I promise! :P


	5. But No One Knew From Safe Inside

Many thanks for all your reviews and input! Let's begin the second half!

Trainwreck on Kamabakka

Chapter 5: But No One Knew From Safe Inside

Sanji stirred from his slumber, his mouth feeling dry. _Bleh, I slept with my mouth open, didn't I?_ He sat up and looked around, noticing that the sun had moved surprisingly far in the sky. _Was I that tired?_ Zoro was sleeping sitting up beside him, bowed over his swords and snoring softly. He knew that the sleeping swordsman was capable of waking at the slightest hint of danger, so he inwardly thanked the man for keeping guard. Thirsty, Sanji checked the wine bottle and confirmed it to be empty. Oh well. He pulled out a cigarette instead and snapped open his lighter, letting the smoke that rose up a moment later wash over his senses. Leaning back on his hands, he watched the gulls swoop up and down the shore, paying no mind to the sounds of Zoro stirring from his rest and stretching the kinks out of his neck. "You know, a nice lady like you really shouldn't smoke," Zoro said after a moment, flashing a grin.

Sanji eyed him mildly and took in a deep drag. "I never said I was a nice lady," he responded in his fake voice, satisfied with double meaning. _So it's back to the games, is it? Fine, but I'll win, and you'll never breath a word of this to anyone else._ Zoro gathered up the remains of their picnic into the basket and stood, offering his hand to help Sanji up. The cook (barely) resisted rolling his eyes as he took the proffered hand and was aided to his feet, and said nothing when their hands touched again as they shook off the blanket and folded it up. _I _know_ Zoro's not a touchy guy. If he's doing this to make me uncomfortable, he's doing a very good job._ _But it will take more than that to make me lose._

They walked along the grassy cliff for a while, approaching the port where a few ships were anchored. One of those must be the one Zoro sailed in on, although he wasn't sure which. He should probably figure that out to make it easier to "coincidentally" run into him tomorrow.

Zoro noticed him staring and took the hint. "Would you like to see my ship?"

"Sure, I'd love to."

A rather wicked smile flashed across the swordsman's face before disappearing just as quickly. The cliff had shrunk down to nothing as they traveled, so they hopped easily down into the sand and strolled toward the wooden docks. Sanji tried not to think about what the sand was doing to his boots and concentrate instead on why Zoro was looking so smug. It wasn't _his_ ship, he was just hitching a ride.

They strolled down the pier until Zoro stopped in the middle, pointing to the ship in front of them. Tastelessly named _The Seeking Sea King_, was a small merchant vessel designed for speed. The cargo Sanji ordered earlier had already been loaded and put away, so only a skeleton crew remained on the deck keeping watch. The loading plank was still down, though, so the rest of the crew was probably still coming and going. It was nothing compared to the Thousand Sunny, but it looked clean and respectable. Zoro could have picked worse.

"Want to have a look inside? The Captain's probably still on board, I bet he'd love to thank you for saving him so many bellis on the cost of supplies," Zoro remarked as he steered him toward the loading plank.

_As well he should! After a show like that he should have no problem accepting one more crewmember_, Sanji thought as he placed one foot on the ramp.

And froze.

Zoro was grinning madly as he turned around. "What's wrong Suzy? Don't be shy, come aboard and introduce yourself! The sailors aren't a bad lot, they'd love to meet a pretty little thing like you."

* * *

Sanji appeared to be trying not to hyperventilate. He had gone stock still where he stood, one step off the pier, his eyes comically wide and white as panic began to set in. Obviously it had finally occurred to him that sailors met today would also remember him tomorrow. Even without the skirt.

Zoro put his hands on his hips and watched with amusement as Sanji's visible eye darted to and fro, trying to come up with some excuse not to go on board. The cook licked his lips and clenched his fists, eyes still avoiding Zoro's as he began to perspire. _Will he break character and attack if I force him onboard, or will he find some girly excuse not to come up? I almost wish he'd pretend to faint. It'd be stupid, for one thing; I'd just carry him aboard anyway to "get help." Actually, that's a good idea…_ Reaching down to place a hand on Sanji's shoulder he gave him a gentle shake. "Are you all right? You don't look well. Why don't you come lay down in the sick room?" he asked as he gave an encouraging tug up the ramp.

Sanji broke free from his grip and stumbled backwards a few steps, head bowed so hair covered his face. _Perhaps he decided to draw the line and end the game here? What would he think is worse, a lifetime of ribbing from a nakama or weeks of humiliation by a ship full of strangers?_ Whatever the case he appeared to have made his decision, because his breathing had slowed and the trembling had left his hands. Zoro stepped down and stopped in front of the hunched form, reaching out a hand to lift up Sanji's face by his chin.

He was expecting a furious look of defeat. Instead, long-fingered hands wrapped around his own and an eye glistening with a few drops of moisture gazed into his. "I—I'm sorry. I thought I was over my fear of boats, I really did. It's been so long since Papa was lost at sea, and yet…" his voice trailed off as his gaze fell demurely to one side.

Zoro lost his grip on Sanji's chin, so the cook took control and moved the hand a little higher, allowing his lashes to flutter against the rough fingers. Zoro startled at the strange sensation, and Sanji looked back up into his eyes. "Would you take me back into town? Please?"

Zoro felt his face grow hot, though he wasn't sure if it was out of embarrassment for himself or for Sanji, or for some other reason entirely. Whatever the case, he needed to stop staring like an idiot. He could start by closing his mouth.

* * *

The look on Zoro's face nearly made the whole thing worth it, Sanji decided. As he had stood there, mind rushing to find a way out of the trap Zoro had neatly laid for him, the only thing that he could think of was coming down with a bout of Usopp-inspired "I-can't-get-on-the-boat-or-I'll-die" disease. The thought of his long-nosed nakama, however, reminded him of another of his usual tactics: the overly dramatic lie.

The tears hadn't been too hard to work up considering that he was already feeling a touch hysterical, and the fluttering eyelash trick he borrowed from Nami when she wanted something. Letting his lashes tickle Zoro's hand, though, was a bit of spontaneity he attributed to his own genius, and the swordsman's newfound touchiness. It was surprisingly effective, too, judging by the way Zoro stepped back numbly and gestured towards the town.

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever the lady wants."

Sanji started back down the boardwalk, trying not to get irritated at Zoro's parting shot. He didn't know what annoyed him more, the jab at his manhood or the fact that Zoro never would have said that to a real woman. They trudged back to town in silence, the mood strangely heavy despite Sanji's victory. He glanced at the sun again, noting the time. The bars should finally be opening soon, where he hoped to get Zoro plastered and slip away. The man could drink like a fish, sure, but even he had to have a limit! The hard part would be telling when he was really drunk and not putting on a show. Nami may have out-drunk Zoro back on Whisky Peak, but he'd been faking it enough to fight off a hundred bounty hunters mere hours later. He'd have to make sure Zoro didn't pretend to pass out just to avoid getting truly tanked. The last thing he wanted was to drag Zoro to a room only to get caught before he could vanish!

For some reason an image popped in his head; dumping an unconscious Zoro in an inn room and spinning to leave, only to have the swordsman dart in front of him and lock the door, turning to face him with a leer. Sanji quickly shook his head and scoffed. _I've been dressing like a girl _way_ too long if I'm imagining that Zoro would actually do something untoward to me! Ridiculous. The guy doesn't even have a sex drive anyway._

He thought about that for a moment, then shook his head. _Now, now, be fair. Just because he's disciplined doesn't mean he's asexual. No one could have that much testosterone without suffering the consequences. _Perhaps they'd just never encountered his type. What would Zoro look for in a woman? What interested him?

Fighting.

Did he want a woman he could fight with? A swordswoman? But didn't he always run away from that lovely young lady in the Marines that wanted his swords?_ I doubt Zoro would allow himself to get entangled with a woman who's after his prized possessions. _Who else had they met that could give Zoro a good workout? Just Devil Fruit users, really, and they never had much interest in physical training._ Wasn't there a really muscular woman in Baroque Works? She wasn't that good though. Anyway, I think she might have been killed, poor girl._

If they ever did come across a woman whose fighting skills could excite Zoro, odds were she'd be an enemy, or at least a rival. Zoro might have a little fun but he'd never betray his nakama, so in the end they would have to part ways._ How sad. Perhaps it's all for the best that Zoro hasn't found anyone his type. We may fight all the time, but I wouldn't wish a broken heart on the guy._

_I don't want him to leave the crew, either. The two of us are more at odds then anyone else on the whole ship, but it just wouldn't be the same without our daily feuding. Hourly feuding. Whatever._

_I guess I enjoy a good fight, too._

_

* * *

_

I've made a little progress on the sequel! The only problem is I have no idea where it's going, unlike this story. On the bright side, that means I'm open to suggestions. You should give me some! Or just say hi. Hi is good.

Should I post these chapters faster, leaving a hiatus between this story and the sequel, or continue at the current pace so there will be no break?


	6. A Brush With Fate Would End the Ride

Trainwreck on Kamabakka

Chapter 6: A Brush With Fate Would End the Ride

Zoro kept sneaking glances as they walked along, but Sanji was merely staring into space, calmly smoking another cigarette. His crocodile tears had dried and he seemed neither smug over his victory nor humiliated over the act he'd had to pull. He was just…normal.

_So why do I feel so different?_

Sanji would never admit it, but Zoro knew he made him feel insecure. Around everyone else the cook was fun-loving, kind, and considerate. To his enemies he showed no quarter (unless they were female) and the strength of his legs were a match for Zoro's arms. Despite his sissy suits and his prowess in the kitchen, there was no way anyone would mistake him for anything but a real man. But put the cook in the same room with Zoro, and he puffed up. He sneered, he strutted, he put up an aggressive front, all because he had some fear that someone would compare the two of them and he would come up short. Zoro found it hilarious and aggravating at the same time, so of course he made sure to pour salt on the wound on every possible occasion. Which was why his reaction, upon finding Sanji dressed in make-up and a skirt, was to make things worse. Embarrassing Sanji had become a sport for him, but it was a game they played strictly between themselves. The rest of the world might contribute, but it wasn't allowed to laugh.

Except that Zoro had just tried to let his temporary crewmates in on the joke. It hadn't occurred to him what he was doing at the time, and Sanji didn't appear to think of it as such, but now that it was over it felt sourly like an attempted betrayal. Not of his life, certainly, but of his pride, and Sanji was a _very_ proud person.

So proud, in fact, that once his pride was damaged he was willing to degrade himself further for the chance to win all of it back. So proud, in fact, that he was willing to throw it away entirely with one person in order to keep it between the rest of the world. Willing to play the part of a tearful, fearful, meek flower in front of the one person he tried hardest not to show weakness too.

_I feel like a bully._ But Sanji would probably be all the more angry if he knew how he felt. After all, he couldn't win back his dignity if Zoro stopped playing. If he really wanted to make up for what he'd done, he would just have to play this through to the end, and let Sanji win.

But not _too_ easily. Sanji would notice if he wasn't trying. _And besides, old habits die hard…_

* * *

"Don't you have anything stronger?" Sanji asked the bartender for the third time. The sound of merriment was so loud in the crowded, warmly lit bar that he wasn't sure if the answer was "no" or if he just hadn't been heard. They sat at one of numerous large round tables filled with locals and sailors, all joking and singing and chatting and having a good time. It never ceased to amaze Sanji how the application of a little alcohol, food and laughter could ease the tensions on both sides. Of course, the fact that the locals didn't force _temporary_ visitors to dress up probably helped. Lucky bastards.

Despite the fact that he had been plying Zoro with more ale every time his mug ran low, he was nowhere close to being plastered. Instead, he was being so annoying that Sanji was considering tossing back a few himself out of irritation. Meanwhile, their tablemates (all of whom were strangers to Zoro, he had casually mentioned) still hadn't grown tired of congratulating Zoro for finding such a "pretty thing" on _this_ island, especially one so attentive to needs. Sanji had promptly begun serving drinks to everyone at the table so he couldn't be accused of doting on Zoro, which he quickly grew to regret. Apparently that broke the illusion that he was spoken for, and the owner of the first straying hand was still out cold in the corner where he landed, a heel print firmly printed on his chin. So Sanji went back to serving Zoro only, and the drunken sailors resumed patting Zoro on the back and openly speculating on how Suzy's feistiness translated to the bedroom.

_Pigs. Don't they know that's no way to treat a lady? I mean, if I _was_ a lady. Which they probably suspect isn't true, considering where we are. But they could at least be mature about it!_

Sanji stomped over to the bartender again and gave him/her his deadliest glare. "You've got to have something stashed away somewhere, right? I don't care if you were saving it for your retirement or what, but if you don't produce something in the next three seconds that can knock out a sea king, I'm gonna…I'm gonna…" he struggled to find a suitable threat, "I'm gonna take this pathetic excuse you call alcohol and use it to light a bonfire in your lingerie bureau!"

"All right already, no need to get personal!" s/he exclaimed, flashing him an affronted look before pulling out a heavy glass bottle from under the counter. "This is the strongest I got, I swears. Don't try to drink it all yourself, you'll never wake again!"

"Sounds perfect," Sanji muttered as he returned to his table, the bottle and a stack of shot glasses in hand. Zoro glanced up as he slid into his seat and broke out into a grin. "Is that Giant's Hangover? I haven't had any of that in ages!" Blinking, the cook glanced at the bottle's label, which indeed sported the fitting name. _Wait, he's had this before?_

"Man, that stuff brings back memories! Me and my old bounty hunting pals Johnny and Yosaku once tried to finish off a bottle of this stuff, just the three of us. Did we ever regret it; we couldn't walk straight for a week! I'm a lot stronger then I was back then, it's time for a rematch," he declared, already claiming himself a shot glass. The others around the table cheered, grabbing glasses as well while Sanji popped the cork. _Let's see, we're dividing the bottle among a higher number of people, but Zoro's already half drunk. He's had years to build up his alcohol tolerance, but I don't need him out for a week; just long enough to ditch him. It'll still work, right?_

He poured Zoro's glass for him and passed the bottle down.

* * *

_Oh yeah, that's the real thing all right,_ Zoro thought as the fire went down his throat. He had drained the shot like a pro, but the rest of the table wasn't fairing so well, he observed. Some of the men gagged on their sip, some were choking, and one had even sprayed all over the table. Boy was he glad he wasn't sitting directly across from that one! Only one had taken it like a man, but he didn't look like he was eager for another.

The bottle had come around again, and Sanji was already filling his glass. "Why don't you have one, Cook-chan? Let'shee how tough you are!"

"What kind of a lady to you take me for?" he retorted archly. "I'm not fool enough to let some strange man get me liquored up."

_And I am, is that what you're saying?_ He took the proffered shot and downed it, slamming the empty glass down on the table. _Fine, but the more I drink, the more excuses I have to embarrass you._ With that, he reached an arm out and wrapped it around Sanji's waist, leaning in closer. "You shtill call me a stranger after you shpent the whole day with me? I'm hurt."

"Then you have very thin skin," he responded, unimpressed. He did look a bit uncomfortable after a whistle brought to attention the fact that the rest of the table had noticed Zoro's errant hand. He passed the bottle down again, hoping to distract them.

"You didn't have a problem shleeping beside me this afternoon," Zoro decided to point out with a leer. The table immediately erupted in cheers, causing Sanji to turn red and shake off Zoro's arm. "That's—don't say things like that out of context! It was perfectly innocent!" He swiped the bottle again furiously and topped off Zoro's glass.

"For such an innoshent girl, you're trying awfully hard to get me drunk. You sure you don't an ulterior motive?" He raised the shot teasingly close to his lips, then put it back down in front of Sanji. "I might feel more comfortable if you joined in…"

Sanji glared at the glass, then at him, then at the bottle. He then very pointedly grabbed a clean glass and filled it up, as if saying "fine, but I'm not sharing your germs." He paused, obviously waiting for Zoro to reclaim his own shot and drink with him. The swordsman snorted with amusement as they clinked their glasses together and tossed them back. The men around the table had all paused, waiting to see what Sanji's reaction would be.

He calmly placed the glass back on the table, though from his distance Zoro could tell it was taking every ounce of Sanji's self control not to make a face. The men cheered and laughed, issuing another round of congrats, but this time they were to Sanji instead of to Zoro for finding him. The cook seemed to notice the difference and relaxed, pleased.

Of course, the alcohol could have had something to do with it. After three shots of that stuff and countless mugs of ale, Zoro was feeling it too. A little. And since it was all Sanji's fault, the obvious course of action was to punish him some more. So in order to further increase his discomfort, and perhaps because he was a teensy bit curious, he reached over and started playing with the long hair draping down from the other man's head.

Sanji cast a wary eye at him, but apparently decided that Zoro wasn't about to yank the fake hair out so he ignored him. The hair was soft and smooth, much different then his own green scruff. He lifted it up and let it trail out of his fingers, watching the way the light from the lamps glistened off it as it moved. It was different then the way it had looked in the sun, but still interesting. He held it up and let it fall again. It kind of reminded him of spider webs, the way it hung as it trickled out of his hand. He picked it up again and stared at it closely. Was it real? Like, made of real hair, obviously it wasn't really _Sanji's._ Perhaps he should compare it with the cook's bangs. He reached a hand in front of the other man's face in order to touch the bangs hanging over his perpetually hidden eye, but it was batted away. Before he could try again, Sanji presented him with another refilled glass.

Zoro stared at it, then glanced down at Sanji's empty one and raised an eyebrow. Sanji merely snorted. "I'm not getting in a drinking contest with you." Zoro responded by swiping the bottle, which was decidedly less heavy, and loading Sanji's glass for him. He merely shook his head. "Sorry, not interested."

"Come on, drink up."

"No!"

"I won't drink anymore if you don't."

"What about your rematch with the Giant's Hangover?"

"It'sh no fun without someone to compete with."

"Is that what you look for in a woman, someone to compete with?"

"I…what?"

"Never mind."

"No, I heard you. For your information, I have other qualifications."

"Like what?"

"…"

"Well?"

Zoro stared inwardly, drinking his shot and not even noticing as Sanji quickly refilled it.

"She's gotta live longer than I do."

* * *

Aww. *tear*

You may be interested to know I've posted a sketch on deviantART of Sanji and Zoro's picnic from the end of chapter 4. Just view my profile and click on Homepage if you're curious. It's titled "Picnic on Kamabakka." I thought it was pretty cute, anyway. :P

Also, I think I shall post the last two chapters at the same time, because it would be cruel (to both the yaoi fans _and_ the non-yaoi fans) not to do so.


	7. A Train is Going To Crash Today

Trainwreck on Kamabakka

Chapter 7: A Train is Going To Crash Today

Sanji froze in the process of putting the bottle back down. _Oh, that's…really depressing._ He vaguely recalled Zoro mentioning that his drive to be the greatest swordsman had something to do with a childhood promise to a friend who died, and wondered if that was what Zoro was thinking of now. _Boy did I ever kill the mood._

The green-haired man appeared to be looking at the table without seeing it, his mind far away. Sanji coughed, and when that didn't work, clinked his shot glass against Zoro's. When he looked up in surprise, Sanji was holding his drink a few inches from his lips. "Well? I'm waiting."

Zoro stared at him blankly, as if he'd forgotten where he was, then flashed him a dazzling grin that Sanji could not recall having ever seen before. Once again they tossed the drinks back together and slammed their glasses on the table, pausing for a moment while the alcohol took effect.

_Damn, that stuff burns! How the hell did he once drink a third of a bottle of this crap? Please tell me he's feeling it by now._ He did look like he was leaning a bit, but that could just be so Sanji could hear him better over the loud roar of merrymaking.

"Shee, that'sh the great thing about you," Zoro confided, tossing an arm around his shoulders. "You can take all the crap I can dish out and throw it right back. You'll never die."

"Uh…thanks?" he responded after a moment, oddly touched. He poured another glass for his nakama, who drank it absent-mindedly. How convenient; the more drunk Zoro became, the easier it was to slip him more drinks. And he was definitely losing it if he was forgetting to pretend that Suzy wasn't Sanji.

"So, um…" Sanji shifted uncomfortably under the muscular, heavy arm. "What'cha been up to the last few weeks?" Zoro let out a derisive snort.

"Tryin' to dodge that…Peroxide chick. Ya know, the one wit the ghosts and the stupid laugh. Thinksh she ownsh me just 'cause she patched me up a little…"

_Perona? He seriously landed where she disappeared to? And I thought I had it bad!_

Sanji paused for a moment to reconsider.

No. I definitely have it worse.

He casually refilled Zoro's glass again, but he had regained enough sense to wait for Sanji to drink with him. They slammed the glasses down and Zoro gave a giant sigh. "Chicksh. Can't trusht 'em."

"What about Nami and Robin?" Sanji defended automatically, then winced. _Okay, you're no better than Zoro if you can't remember to pretend either._ Fortunately Zoro was too far gone to notice his slip.

"They're nakama. They're un… untrushtworshy in our favor."

Sanji startled himself by busting out into laughter. He knew the alcohol probably made it funnier than it really was, but he couldn't stop the chuckles that racked his frame. Zoro grinned at him and poured them both another drink with his free arm. They raised their shots in mock salute before Zoro chugged his and Sanji unobtrusively placed his back on the table, still full. _Really, it'll do me no good if I get drunk as well._

"Ahhh, that rearry hitsh the shpot…" Zoro slurred before clonking his head down on Sanji's shoulder. A few hoots from across the table were shushed by the cook's death glare before he examined his new attachment. Was he falling asleep? Passing out? Was this whole stupid day finally over?

No. Zoro was just getting…cuddly? His other arm reached around from the front to complete the hug, burrowing his head further into the crook of Sanji's neck. The blond took several deep, calming breaths and forced his shoulders to unclench, trying to control his first reaction—which had been to kick the swordsman hard enough to send him flying back to the Sabaody Archipelago.

Getting Zoro smashed had been his plan, after all. He would just have to endure everything that plan entailed until the guy finally went under.

* * *

As the tension drained from Sanji's body, the part of Zoro's brain that stayed alert for danger even while he slept relaxed, crisis averted. It occurred to him that his current position was highly unusual. Drinking with Usopp and Luffy often led to this kind of falling-all-over-each-other camaraderie, and maybe the same went for Sanji, but never for both of them at the same time. This whole day had been like that, he vaguely recalled; him doing things that ought to have got his ass kicked, and Sanji refraining. It was rather nice.

"You should do thish more often," he informed Sanji's shoulder. The man responded with an irritated "_tch_."

"What, dress in drag-AAAH!" Suddenly the cook snatched up his shot, practically inhaled it, choked, and coughed up a storm. Zoro straightened up and pounded on his back in concern. "You okay?"

By the time he had stopped coughing, Sanji's eye was red and watery. "Sorry—went down the wrong pipe," he choked out. "What were you saying?"

Zoro struggled to cast his mind back, distracted as he was with concern for his nakama and the niggling suspicion that he'd just missed something important. "Um… oh yeah. You've been awf'lly nice to me today."

For some reason, this comment earned him Sanji's Eye of Death.

"Wut, it'sh true! You've got, like, thish…bubble."

The curly eyebrow arched. "A bubble."

"Yeah, you know…pershonal shpace."

"Ah."

"And if I enter it, you get mad."

"…oh."

Zoro leaned over and wrapped his arms around him again, returning his nose to its previous location nuzzled into Sanji's collarbone. "But not today."

A gust of air blew across his cheek as the cook sighed. "I see."

Zoro tightened his hug, which was effectively pinning Sanji's upper-arms to his sides. "You're always nice to ev'rybody but me."

Sanji was drumming his fingernails on the edge of the table, which was as far as he could reach at the moment. "Please don't start crying," he muttered.

Zoro chuckled. "Don't worry, I'm not the weepy type."

"I didn't think you were the clingy type, either, yet here you are."

"Jush taking advantage."

"Yeah, I think that's enough of that. Have you got a room yet?"

"…On the ship."

"I'm not going there. You can't share my room, either."

"Why not?"

Huff. "For obvious reasons that you will understand when you're sober. Come on, get off me and let's go."

"Don't wanna."

"I'm trying to be nice here, isn't that what you wanted?"

"Will you shtill be nice tomorrow?"

"Don't be such a baby."

"Yur onry…" Zoro let go with one hand so he could count on his fingers. "…Eight monsh older 'n me."

"And yet lifetimes smarter. Up."

"…I'm taller."

"By a CENTIMETER! What does that have to do with anything, anyway?"

"You brought it up.

"I—ugh! Fine, sit, finish off the damn bottle, see if I care when you spend the night in the middle of the road." He crossed his arms in a sulk.

"Are you worried 'bout me?"

"No."

"Liar. You worry all the time."

"Goodnight, marimo," Sanji said with finality as he moved to stand. Zoro refused to release his hostage, though, and he fell back in the seat with a thud. "_What?_" he growled.

The swordsman looked around blearily for a good reason. "The bottle shnot empty yet," he mumbled with a nod to the _Giant's Hangover_.

"One more shot and you're gonna be under the table. I'm leaving your sorry ass here if that happens."

"Ishn't that what you wanted?"

Sanji gaped at him, eye wide with shock. Smugly admiring the expression he'd caused, Zoro was suddenly struck by how close their faces were, and an overwhelming impulse to kiss that surprise-parted mouth washed over him and completely erased all other thoughts from his brain.

So he slid a hand up into that soft hair to prevent Sanji's escape, and did exactly that.

* * *

Oh, dear. I can't look.

Oh, who am I kidding, of course I can. Onwards to the last chapter!


	8. And Those Who See Can’t Look Away

Trainwreck on Kamabakka

Chapter 8: And Those Who See Can't Look Away

_A man is kissing me._

_A _man_ is kissing me._

_A man is _kissing_ me._

Goosebumps were competing with sweat for the use of his pores. Sanji's face felt like it was on fire, and he knew it probably appeared as red as a tomato to his attentive, jeering audience. Bile was rising in his throat, and he wondered if he should wait until _after_ he had thrown up into the offender's mouth to kick his head into a bloody, pulpy mass.

Then a tongue slipped into his mouth, and Sanji shifted his balance to one leg so he could let the other fly with a vengeance.

-WAIT!!!

Not entirely sure where the voice was coming from, he paused from his imminent retribution to listen.

-If you react this way you'll regret it forever!

_Oh joy_, Sanji thought. _The voice of reason has come to have a heart to heart with me. Make it fast: kind of being _kissed by a man_ here…_

-Weren't you thinking just a few hours earlier that you wouldn't wish a broken heart on Zoro?

_I…yes?_

-Well?

_Surely you don't think _this_ qualifies?_

-Why wouldn't it?

_What, you think Zoro fell for Suzy? That's it, he's dead!_

-Don't be more obtuse than you can help; he was never fooled for a second. Zoro's looking for someone who won't interfere with his dreams or his duties. He wants someone who can keep up with him. He needs someone he can trust to hold their own.

_So Zoro's hot for _me_?_

-Why else would he be kissing you?

_Because he's drunk and an idiot and lives to make my life hell. Obviously._

-Is that the embrace of a man who's trying to piss you off?

_Please don't use the words 'embrace' and 'man' in the same sentence…_

-Can we stop being a close-minded, self-absorbed jerk for five seconds and think about Zoro here? You know, your _nakama_?

_Fine, whatever._

-Let's assume for a moment that Zoro is being _sincere_ as well as three sheets to the wind, and handing his heart to you on a silver platter.

_Okay…_

-You take his heart, surrendered in good faith, and grind it into so much dust on the floor.

_I…okay._

-You two then go on to rejoin your captain and life resumes on the Thousand Sunny. But it's never the same. Zoro's heart is broken, and the one who did it is always right in front of him. You never get in fights anymore; you never fight back-to-back anymore. He never looks you in the eye, he never laughs when you're in the room. You try to make things go back the way they were, but there's always a wall between the two of you: a wall of disgust and shame and sorrow and regret. The rest of the crew notices it too, and it casts a shadow over the Sunny. They still go through the motions but beneath it all everyone knows… the happy family is broken.

_That's… too much! Just because of one little action?_

-It's in your power.

The rough hand that was stroking Sanji's hair suddenly stopped: Zoro had finally noticed that his kiss wasn't being returned.

_If you're asking me to play along, you've got another thing coming—_

-Oh please, as if a fake relationship would help anything. Just find some other reason to turn him down then "you revolt me." Play it off as a joke or something. His brain moves so slowly he probably won't even realize _why_ he kissed you until next week.

_You raise an excellent point there._

-Damn straight.

_A very, very excellent point…_

* * *

Zoro pulled away, eyes hazy with confusion. Sanji was staring at him with a curiously bland expression, eye unblinking, lips closing to purse into a thin line. There was something very sobering about that gaze; a rush of adrenaline flooded his system, washing away some of the alcohol-induced fog in his brain and bringing him back to his senses.

_Did I just do what I think I just did?_

Uncertain, he let his gaze drift to the other drinkers around the table. They were all watching him, chuckling shamelessly at his plight or offering their condolences over his apparent rejection. Getting worried now, Zoro looked back at his companion, whose eye had narrowed into a mere slit.

_Oh hell. I just ruined everything, didn't I?_ A kind of panic he was unaccustomed to feeling was taking hold of his body and rooting him to the spot. He cast his mind out in search of a reasonable excuse, but came up empty-handed. All he could think about was that he had screwed up something incredibly important, and he wasn't even entirely sure what it _was_.

And then the strangest thing happened.

It was as if he could see the wheels of Sanji's judgment spinning, like gears cranking and turning behind the veil of his eye. They came to a shuddering halt as Sanji slowly exhaled, the very image of a train letting off steam, then onerously began turning once more—in the opposite direction. Zoro had the distinct impression that he'd just narrowly dodged something.

Sanji closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again.

And then he smirked.

"Whu-?" Zoro exclaimed before a resounding _SLAP_ echoed across the table. Uproarious laughter burst out from all directions as Zoro gingerly lifted a hand to inspect the reddening print on his cheek.

_Did he seriously just bitchslap me? And should I be offended or honored that he used his hands instead of his feet?_ Twisting to face the blond once more, he stared numbly at the cocky grin adorning his face.

"I'm sorry, Zoro-san, I seem to have given you the wrong impression. I'm just not that kind of girl." Slinking out of his nerveless grasp, Sanji stood and sweetly addressed their audience. "Could one of you kind gentlemen make sure he gets back to his ship alright? You'll understand if I take my leave now…"

"Of course, sweetheart," one of them piped up, tears of mirth streaming down his face. "You've been a real doll, putting up with a lug like him for this long anyway!" This sent another bout of laughter around the table, to which Sanji smiled tolerantly before turning back to his dumbfounded drinking partner. Leaning over and placing an arm companionably around his shoulders, he whispered into his ear.

"I win."

With that, he spun around with a flick of golden hair and sauntered through the crowd to the exit.

_What just happened?_ Zoro tried to remember what the hell had been going through his mind a few minutes ago that could have possessed him to lock lips with anyone, much less Sanji, but encountered only fuzz. _Did I…did I get so drunk that I carried our game too far?_

He cast an eye over to a table full of okamas. _Surely I'm not…attracted to that sort of thing, am I?_ Noticing his gaze, one of the crossdressers winked a paint-caked eye. Zoro blanched and quickly turned away. _NO, no, definitely not. So what the hell came over me?_

Whatever the reason, one thing was clear. He'd given "Suzy" a legitimate reason to ditch him before Sanji couldn't take it anymore. It was the aho-cook's win. Tomorrow he would pretend this had never happened and Zoro would never be able to rib him about it again.

Not that he'd _want_ to. Sanji now had some excellent blackmail material for keeping his mouth shut.

* * *

_What a beautiful day for sailing_, Sanji thought as he stepped out of the captain's office. The owner of the Seeking Sea King was glad to take him aboard upon hearing of his prowess as a chef and his responsibility for the savings on yesterday's restocking bill. He even insisted on paying him wages for his services in addition to letting him hitch a ride. _Not a bad deal. Zoro picked an honest lot to sail with. Speaking of which…_

Sanji peered around the deck as he lit up a fresh cigarette and slipped the lighter back in his suit pocket. _Damn, but it's good to be back in pants._ Spotting the swordsman at the railing using his excessive brawn to haul in the anchor, the cook nonchalantly made his way over.

"Well, well," he began, his voice intentionally devoid of surprise. "Fancy meeting you here."

Zoro looked up, grunted, and finished securing the anchor. Sanji found himself grinning. "Where's your bunk?"

"Closest to the door, left side. Top's free."

"I'll drop off my stuff."

As he turned to leave, Sanji noticed a sailor who had been walking by with a coil of rope pause, stare at them, then move closer. He looked back and forth between them uncertainly.

"Weren't you two…last night…at the bar?"

Sanji gave him a level stare before exhaling a cloud of smoke in the sailor's face, causing the poor man to cough and rub at his stinging eyes. Casting a brief glance at Zoro, the blond turned and left for the crew's quarters.

When the sailor finally cleared his eyes, he looked up only to be pinned by one of Zoro's "your death is imminent" glares.

"That was his sister," the green-haired man growled.

The seaman blinked, logic temporarily prevailing over self-preservation. "Are you serious? On _this_ island—"

"HIS. SISTER." Zoro clarified through ground teeth to the man who was now dangling from the scruff of his shirt, eyeballing the partially drawn blade in the swordsman's other hand.

"Right! Sister! Got it." He quickly scuttled away upon being dropped, casting nervous glances over his shoulder the whole way. Zoro watched him go with a sigh.

"You know your plan to embarrass a guy has failed when he feels confident in leaving _you_ to defend his honor," he muttered.

~Fin~

* * *

Thank you so much, everyone who stuck it out to the end!

To the non-yaoi fans: You brave, brave souls, I salute you! I hope I made you laugh, and didn't stray _too_ far from believability.

To the yaoi-fans: Ha, you didn't think it was that easy to change a man as straight as Sanji, did you? Don't be disappointed though, there's more. Zoro's got to realize the forces behind his own actions, and Sanji's got to figure out what the hell he's going to do about it!

Stay tuned for the sequel, entitled "RelationShipwreck." Warnings include: Rampant OCs, cliché dodging, Heavy Issues, and a mild increase in rating (but probably not enough for some of you. You know who you are.)

But enough about sequels. What did you think of _this_ story? The public demands to know!

(And by public, I mean me.)


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